I have to tell you, that most of the time I simply do things for my own satisfaction. I had no idea, really, that quite so many eReaders are being bought and used by people around the world as independent statistics appear to show. There are, apparently, upwards of 13 million eReaders actively downloading material in the USA alone. I wish I could buy some shares into any company that actually shows revenues from such outstanding product sales!
Okay so I wrote an eBook. The reason I started to write one originally was because of a discussion I was having with a brother-in-law in the London-based big box office movie industry. (He's known for one really big film that I do like a lot. It's a romantic sort of ensemble piece. You'll know it. Sort of Christmas-y... I won't say what it is. But I will say that one of the characters in it he based on his younger brother, who took off firstly to Spain and then to Australia, and was a bit of a gormless twit, really. ...Married my big sister.)
Actually it took him bloody years and years to finally produce – he'd had the script since at least the Seventies!
Anyway, rather than detail for him, point-by-point, the incredibly huge literary references that someone like Kubrick (yes, I know, my favourite these days) uses in his films, I decided to go over the top and write something completely modern and up-to-the-minute – a story, something fictional - as if the theoretical reader was as well-versed in the references as any literary criminal genius.... Basically to kick his brains in about what he just plain didn't know so that he would stop arguing with me.
Half way down the track I realized well hell, anyone can just look up all the big words and obscure names on Google, and by the time they'd read the whole book they'd be pretty well educated in the highest of high-brow senses of the term!!
Trust me. If you sent me a dollar for every word and every name you thought you'd heard of and yet still had to look up you'd be looking at a good few thousand dollars by the time you got to the end. Don't bet on yourself here, my friend, you're really not yet as across it all as I am. YET. But I have hopes for you. And don't forget, I had advantages – big money family background, big European aristocrats. I certainly haven't turned out to be a world political leader, that's for sure. But I know stuff. Stuff you will have to look up, and that's whether you're a Nobel winner or not. I'm ahead of you; trust me.
Now look, there's a few other things I should say – I'm not so stupid as to think people will read anything dead dull and boring though.
On another website right now I think I'm getting into trouble saying that my mother wrote “A Clockwork Orange.” But... I'm thinking of asking my friend who lives in Switzerland to register on this blogspot here – her grandfather was the lawyer who sued Burgess on my mother's behalf and forced him to remove all references to her either in that book, or any attribution to her outside of it. There are many people who know what happened. Wikipedia does not. Or at least it skirts around the issue a little.
My book, is called “A Digital Kumquat” subtitled, “Exotic Hyper-Sexual Psychodynamics For Bored Rich People, and revealing for the first time publicly, The Samarkandian Wonderfruit Sex Confection.”
It's published, or channelled or whatever you call it, through the excellent Smashwords. Some of it can be downloaded for free and the whole thing is $4.99
It's on Smashwords' Premium Catalogue for “Adult Books,” and is available for download in virtually all eReader and PDF formats.
Happy Reading to all 13 million of you out there!
Calvin J. Bear
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